Just recently- I'd say within the past few weeks, we have had a terrible issue in our household. Avery (my six year old) has started lieing. It makes me want to cry just typing about it. We've never had a problem with this before and I'm not sure where its coming from now. I thought for a while he was doing it because he was afraid of getting in trouble (for example if he'd hit Aidan or broken something). So, we had several discussions about why lieing is wrong, how its a terrible betrayal of someone's trust, it disappoints mommy and daddy, makes Jesus terribly sad, and can only hurt the person who is doing it. But you know, its not only when he fears getting in trouble- now it seems like he does it for no reason. Even when I give him every opportunity to tell me the truth without fear of punishment, he still chooses to lie.
Has anyone else had this issue come up in their home? I would so appreciate any input, advice- just anything anybody had to share. I'm at a loss. How do you discipline your kids when and if they lie?
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4 comments:
Katie Beth has gone through this stage. One thing that helped me was I read several places (perhaps even Focus on the Family???) that lying at that age is not as much meant to be deceitful in a conscious sort of way. They are saying what they WISH they would have done. They are wishfully rephrasing what they wish, and know should have, occurred. They lie because they know they've messed up and wish they hadn't.
I try to not ask questions that would LEAD them to lie. I did this with teaching too, and it was great. Instead of "Did you hit your brother?" (when you know or suspect he did) ask, "Why did you hit your brother?" or "What would have been a better choice than hitting your brother?" This even worked on my seventh graders! If they didn't do it, it was pretty easy to tell how legitimately defensive they were - the truth comes out when you are justifiably innocent. But, if they were guilty, me saying that I knew what had happened got the "admitting" out of the way and went straight to the telling. I also had to foster a community that accepted the truth.
With Katie Beth now that we've had many discussions about it, I always have stiffer consequences for lying. We usually spank for lying since she knows the difference and what's expected. That is effective. I'll say, "Since you lied, what will your consequence be?" And, I try to make sure when she tells me the truth that I praise her and give her an easier consequence. Like, "Thank you for telling the truth about hitting your brother. Normally you would go to your room for a few minutes, but since I know it was hard for you to tell the truth and you did anyway, I'm going to let you keep playing. Please don't hit. Thank you for telling Mommy the truth." That grace goes a long way sometimes! You of course have to make sure they don't take advantage of that - telling the truth gets me out of anything.
Don't despair! It's so totally totally normal. Try to nip it in the bud, but remember that he is lying probably because he realizes he messed up and doesn't want to disappoint you. With Katie Beth I've learned the least reactive I am (emotionally at least) with lying, the better.
Good luck! :)
Thanks Sarah! Great Advice. I love the part you wrote about not asking leading questions and being less reactive.
OK, Susan, we have so had this trouble with Luke. Sarah's comment REALLY has helped me out a lot!! I know a few times when he has lied, we read a scripture about telling the truth and put hot sauce on his tongue. He HATED the hot sauce tremendously, but he has since then told other lies. It is so hard to know what to do!! I think Sarah has some awesome advice!!
Thanks Christin for sharing what you've tried. It so helps to know that we are not along in this issus. :)
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