Worn

I'm feeling very worn these days. Its not a physical tiredness although sometimes it can be. Its more of an emotional fatigue. Do you ever feel that some days it seems as if all you do is fend off attacks? Attacks coming from those sometimes you hold most dear? I even feel like I attack myself. I know I can be my own worst enemy at times.
I have struggled the past few weeks not to be defensive. I so have a tendency to make everything about me when I'm feeling worn down. Its easy to get your feelings hurt when you think everything is about you. My perception changes and instead of viewing things with a loving heart I start to see them with an accusatory one. I hear myself in conversations, questioning every thing or bringing up oppositional points just for the sake of argument.
It usually takes me a while to see what I'm doing- denial can be a powerful thing. Inevitably, my eyes are opened to my behavior and that's when I know to look inward. While the attacks may be real or perceived, the reason for my knee jerk reaction to them has nothing to do with the person who made them and everything to do with my uneasy spirit.
I am wrestling with what I need to do in my life. I spent most of 2006 and the early part of 2007 taking care of my mother and it was a crazy season in my life. It left little time for anything else (and I don't mean that negatively- I'd do it again all over). Next month it will have been a year since her passing and I still haven't figured out what I need to be doing with my time now. I did decide that this would be a healthier year for me physically. But for some reason focusing on myself feels for lack of a better word selfish. Logically I know its not but it does feel that way for me.
In the past few weeks I've had several people say things to me that have really hit deep. Things that I typically would have allowed to roll off my shoulders but because I am questioning myself, particularly my role right now, I could feel the tension and defensiveness rising with each hit. I saw someone last week that I went to high school with and haven't seen probably since graduation. She asked me what I was doing now and I told her I was a stay at home mom. Her first comment to that was, "Didn't you go to college?" followed by "But you were so smart in school." I've had other conversations with various people these last few weeks as well. Someone told me a story about a mother- it was a good story but it ended with, "Oh but its not like she works."
I don't buy in to the whole your job defines you or your education defines you. And I know I have been right where God wanted me to be. I prayed like crazy after I had Avery on what I should do- stay home or go back to work. I was blessed to be able to decide between the two. I felt with certainty that God was calling me to be home and throughout the years that has been reinforced many times- none more blatantly than when my mother became ill. Because I was a stay at home mom I was able to bring her to my house and care for her. I am eternally thankful for that opportunity.
I know that not every mother is afforded that opportunity- that choice. I also believe that God calls some of us to careers.
Ok- so here I am, anger welling up inside me to the point where I'm having a conversation with myself out loud. Aidan is looking at me like I've lost my mind. "I work-- oh I work! And I'm still intelligent and I went to college. Just who does she..." Stop.
And there it is... their comments aren't bothering me because of what they said but because of how I'm feeling right now. I'm feeling unsure, unsettled. I don't know any longer what God is calling me to do. I'm not certain right now that this is where I should be. I love being home with my boys. I continue to pray about whether or not I am where He wants me to be and I'm doing what He wants me to do. I have a tendency to get comfortable and to stay where I am because of comfort.
If you're reading this please, please pray for me. I know that prayer is powerful. I pray to see with clarity the path that God has for me. I pray that when He does reveal that to me that I see it clearly and follow Him no matter what. I pray that I can stop being so selfish-- very little is about me.