Forgiveness Part 2

A lady in my MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group encouraged us to pick a word and focus on that for the new year. My one word is forgiveness. Since we are about a 1/4th of the way through the new year, I thought I'd hold myself accountable by reporting my progress. I keep thinking while typing this post that I hear Dr Phil in my head saying, "And how's that working for you?"
So, here's the brutal truth- I haven't come very far in this journey yet. I don't have any excuses other than when you hang on to something for so long it's hard to let it go and sometimes I think (at least for me) you don't want to let it go.
My focus for forgiveness is on forgiving myself and forgiving my brother. I've made a lot of (for lack of a better word) stupid decisions in my life-most of them in my younger years. Every day I KNOW that it is by the grace of God that I am where I am today. So many times I look back on some of the situations I created for myself or on some of the choices I've made and KNOW that had it not been for God's hand, I would have been lost a long time ago. I thank God continually that He does not give me what I deserve.
I struggle with not giving things wholly to God. Even though I know- I mean I really, logically know for certain- that God can handle anything so much better than me- I still cling on to things thinking I can do it myself. While I've worked through many of the things I went through in my younger years and have turned those over to Him and know He has forgiven me, I still work on forgiving myself.
I can't even begin to explain my relationship with my brother here. We don't have one at the moment. I don't even remember where it ended because there was a time when we were younger when we loved each other. There is so much history prior to my mother getting sick that sets the stage for my feelings for him. I won't get in to it here but along the way I just lost my respect for him and my trust in him. And then when my mom got sick and had to live with us, he just decided that he was going to be hands off as far as providing any help for us with her. He left me and Jim and my precious little boys to do it all on our own. He hardly ever called her to talk with her and I can count on one hand the times he came to see her the entire 7 or 8 months she was with us. He knew we were struggling and that because we were so overwhelmed, our home life was crazy.
Even typing this right now I can feel the anger rising in my chest. I finally had to let him go toward the end before my mom passed. I remember telling a friend that its too much to even think about him. I had so much on my plate emotionally at that time that I couldn't keep that anymore. But I did keep it- I just pushed it down for a while. And when she died it came roaring back. I read Beth Moore's Get Out Of That Pit and her words on forgiveness were powerful. God's words in the Bible are powerful. It shouldn't be so difficult to forgive someone- especially your own brother. And you know if God can forgive me the things He has I have to forgive. The portion of The Shack where Mac is asked to forgive the man who killed his daughter spoke to me hugely.
So, its still a work in progress and I meet the Lord on my knees almost every day about it. I think I have made some small steps. These may make you laugh especially because they are baby steps. I sent my brother a birthday card. I wasn't going to but then I knew it might be the only one he received this year since it was his first birthday after my mom's death. He asked to come by on Christmas morning for a bit and I said he could. Ok- I know they are tiny steps but they are steps.
I'll leave you with some excerpts from Beth Moore's Get Out of That Pit. I'm still focusing on my one word and have no doubt God is going to bring me through this journey.

• Its a tough thing to do, but we've got to forgive, even- no ESPECIALLY - those who don't care to be forgiven.
• I thought forgiving... would make what happened all right. But, to be sure, it didn't. Still isn't. What I didn't understand about forgiveness was that it would make ME all right.
• When we won't forgive, the people we often want to be around the least because they've hurt us so badly are the very people we take with us emotionally everywhere we go. (WOW!)